No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize