i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize