i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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