I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
