If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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