Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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