i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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