life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize