she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
