ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
