I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
