we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
