In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
id be glad to
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
