ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I look better un-naked...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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