guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
