I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
