Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
