I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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