when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
