Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
