you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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