Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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