He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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