Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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