"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
