Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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