My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
