I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
