I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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