Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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