tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize