Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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