Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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