Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
