if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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