God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Randomize