phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize