how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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