I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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