Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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