we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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