Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
