If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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