I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
