the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
