everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
