I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
