Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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