Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
