I puked a lego.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
