Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
