I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
