my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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