Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My vagina is officially offended.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize