My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
