what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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