Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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